Not Ready

I am a dreamer. And I don't mean that in a good sense, as in: "I imagine ways to make new things or to improve things that already are." I don't even mean, "I have a great imagination and can carry you to new worlds on my words." I mean that I have vivid dreams when I sleep. And I DON'T like it! Mostly because so many of the dreams are not the pretty, fluffy kind that you see on cartoons. Most of my dreams are either nightmares, just plain weird, or some horrifying combination of the two. A recurring theme in my nightmares, since I had children, is that because of something I believe, or some way I live, my children are being either taken from me or killed before my eyes. (Morbid, I know.) I had one of these recently, and I have been pondering off and on whether I would, if a moment like that arose, entrust my children to my God and stand firm in faith. I've struggled over this question before, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not ready. I don't believe that I could face that choice today... And I don't ever want to! But today I'm praying that if that day DOES come, I'll be ready. And I trust that He will uphold me.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16

"I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. "And I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man also will acknowledge before the angels of God, but the one who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God. And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but the one who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven. And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say."
Luke 12:4-12